J is for Jingoism

J is for jingoism. I use jingoism to represent the ugly side of nationalism, patriotism, generally loving one's country in a way that excludes and divides rather than includes and celebrates diversity. To me jingoism is the attitude that says there is just the one way to love your country or to be a good citizen or representative of the country. It seems to me to be the attitude behind the ugliness that seems to pop up around the days of national celebration like Australia Day or Anzac Day. The attitude behind those horrible stickers with either the Australian flag or an outline of the mainland on them and the slogans along the lines of "fuck off, we're full" or "if you don't love it, leave". I really hate those stickers and find it hard not to judge the people that have them. In a way I can vaguely understand people having those attitudes, through ignorance, or maybe just true belief in something I just fundamentally disagree with. I think I'm right, but they probably do too, and from arguments I've had with people that have these ideas, I don't think there's anything I can say to change their minds.

I is for inherently funny words and phrases

I find some words just naturally giggle-inducing. When I hear ther, or sometimes even just thinking of them makes me smile or even break out in laughter. This can be a little socially embarrassing if people notice it and ask why I'm grinning or giggling. The notion of finding certain words or phrases inherently funny is not particularly unusual in people though, apparently comedians know about it, for example it's generally agreed that the word 'duck' is just naturally funny. That's one of the words that make me smile and since others also think it is, 'duck' isn't that hard to explain. I also love the words (and, indeed the animals themselves) 'duckie' and 'puppy'. Some of the ones that are a bit harder to explain include: peanut, egg, inimitable, banana, porpoise, tortoise, turtle, popcorn, penguin and awkward. One word that gave me such a 'severe' giggle fit that my lecturer and whone uni class had to stop to for me to try to collect myself was 'totient', a kind of maths function (ooh that's another one) we were learning about that day. I jost couldn't stop giggling (I was trying to stifle it) and my friend Matt turned around and asked me to calm down and be serious, but that sent me into even more giggling that took a long time to stop. Besides inherently funny words, there are also certain phrases that I either really love the sound of or just find naturally hilarious. One of these that I've loved for a long time is 'washing machine'. I don't really know why I like the sounos so much or why I find it so funny but I really do. Saying or even thincing the phrase 'washing machine' is almost always enough to bring a grin to my face. A new phrase that I've only just found out that is inherently funny to me is 'warm underpants'. David said it this morning with great surpise and wonder in his voice after putting some undies fresh from the dryer on. All day it's been making me giggle. I'm thinking that these funny words and phrases is why I have a reputation for being such a happy and jolly person. My brain seems to work in a peculiar way in that these words or phrases pop into my mind at unpredictable times, which means I will often break into a huge grin or giggle at any time. But I do enjoy it too.

H is for habits.

After some recent conversations with friends, family and my professionals, I've decideo to work on developing and practising some health habits and work on habits in general. To this end, Ive installed a habit reminder and tracking app on my pod and started some paper based writing work. My electronic habit tracker has daily, weekly, and monthly habits to enter and keep track on how I'm doing at meeting my target, making "streaks" with the idea of not breaking my "streak" of behaviour that I want to turn into heanthy habits. So for my daily habits I've included things like my morning routine, checking in with my boss and David and Trav, working and making plans for the next day and my evening routine that I hope will help set me up better for the next day. Weekly I've put remaining in touch with my familt and work friends, planning for the next week and meeting with my employment psych, as well as blogging and reviewing my mood journal. Therapy, doctors and counselling are in for monthly, as well as trying to keep in better touch with Lauren and Isabella. So far it seems to be working pretty well, I've oeen able to build up some good practises for tracking and recording my health states and keeping in touch. Things were a bit thrown off by my grandad's death, put even with this disruption, I've still been going pretty well at keeping up with some habits that I think will be very good for me in the long run. Even the act of working out and reoording what kinds of things I want to become my healthy habits has felt really good, sort of breaking me out of a "stuck" feeling I've had of not doing well but not knowing how to get back on to the track I want to be on. It's been quite empowering and positive for me to think about what I want to do and keep doing and to develop better routines for the mornings, which had been a real bottle neck for me. It also seems to re-inforce an idea/reconception I've worked out about my mood and anxiety issues as something I need to, and indeed can, manage without it consuming me. I'm really proud and pleased about that. The next stage is to keep things up with my return to Perth and "normal" life next week. I feel positive about it put not pressuring myself to get it "right" the first or every time. That's a thought habit of mine that I'm working on getting free from. There are several others, though I'm a bit tired to write about just now.

G is for grandad.

My grandfather, on my dad's side, Jeffery Bebbington, left us for his last fishing trip last night. He's gone to be with his beloved wife, Kathleen. He hadn't been well for a while, though it was still a bit sudden and a shock. He was ready and at peace, and he'd told my dad that his Kath was waiting for him. I suspect that he'd never really thought that grandma was going to leave first, and he missed her terribly. It's such a trite thing, but it rings true just now, he's at peace. As my dad's friend said, where he's gone, the weather is always good and the fish are always biting. I think he'd like that.

Wisdom from B

I am not my depression. I am fun, generous, caring and intelligent. My depression makes me very sad and anxious. It doesn't change the fact that I am fun, generous, caring and intelligent. It just changes how I cope with and interact with the world. And I will get better at managing this over time. Bec has, so much better. Bec knows that I can too, I just need to cut myself some slack, get some strategies to tackle the depression and focus on healing. It takes time. Stop this rush to get back to peak efficiency. That will just burn me out. Take small steps, celebrate every little step forward and forgive every step back.

F IS FOR FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING.

the fellowship of the ring, specifically the extended edition dvd, is my favourite movie ever. in fact, when i need to "go to my happy place" all i need to do is put the movie on and watch up to the council of elrond, if i'm short on time, or the whole movie if i'm not. the shire is like the perfect place to immerse myself if i'm not feeling the best.

E is for Embarrassing

I have a complicated relationship with the concept of embarrassment. I don't generally get embarrassed easily and I'm quite a 'heart on my sleeve' person, in terms of not having much of a poker face and being pretty open with my feelings and peccadilloes. I am quite anxious most of the time at the moment, in terms of worrying about what people think of me a lot of the time, but in general I just do what I do and not let that affect me. In general I am not afraid to laugh at myself and often provide 'comic relief' in otherwise serious situations. This is a list of my top four most embarrassing moments, which aren't regrets for me, in terms of not worrying and dwelling on them and using them as (I think) funny anecdotes in my life.
1) when I first met the director of my work and quite a famous person in my field, I asked her who she was, even though I know who she is and was actually pretty excited to meet her. I just wasn't expecting to meet her literally five minutes after walking in to my first day as a student at the institute. Since then she's always made a point of remembering my name and asking how I'm doing, so it's worked out well in the end.
2) when I first met my David's mum, I'd been drinking and instead of thanking her for preparing a spare bed for me and politely sleeping in it, I decided to use that moment to tell her me and David only needed the one bed!
3) my time in Switzerland was essentially a long catalogue of episodes of funniest home video style pratfalls and faux pas, including slipping on ice in front of about 1,000 people on a busy Saturday morning in front of the bakery in Engelberg to the exasperated cries of 'What are you doing?!?!' from my host family, falling off my bike into a hedge right after trying to convince my second host family that I wouldn't need a helmet, and fighting with my host brother from my third host family to the point of kicking him in the shin, even though I was three years older than him and representing Australia to boot.
4) at uni I sat on a Camembert cheese, which we'd carefully prepared and set out for a celebration and we then couldn't eat because I had completely squashed with my butt.