25/9 17:14 note to self: i think the big thing about the engagement party and how (mum and) dad reacted to dave's parents, dave having an off day, and my friends, is that, to me, these are things (dave and his fam, my friends) i've chosen as me, for myself. And when dad (and mum) disapproved, commented on them etc, it was like they were disapproving of *me*, and not just the old little girl me, but me as an adult, me making my own choices. They rejected my choice of partner, his family (who i like) and friends, and that felt like they were rejecting *me*, in fact, the most me part of me.
25/9 17:19 the reason i don't trust them is cos the one time i showed them all of me, my party that was about me and had my friends and the man i want to marry and his family who i like a lot, they rejected and complained about dave being useless, his family being snobs, and my friends being weirdos. It feels like a pretty fundamental rejction and i'm really scared to trust them with those parts of myself again, so i just pretend i never grew up.
My psych mentioned about how much I seem to want/need approval from my parents still, and how that's common, and that to some extent I'm behaving to my parents like I'm still a little girl. Parents don't necessarily mean to do this to their kids, but it's a dilemma they're faced with -- their children grow up, they have to watch, and it's not the easiest thing to accept them on adult-to-adult terms. Thinking back about this, I would say that it has been a factor in my emotional issues, that I can't express myself to them, or that I find it so hard, because I fear rejection. It's been something pressing on me since I left home I think, though there have been better times or worse times I guess.
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Who am I? Part 4
Date: 22/4/2011
I'm Mike's. I don't put a noun there because I can honestly and without too much discomfort say that I don't know what I am to him, except that I'm someone in his life. I am there for him to talk to, I take the initiative and start a conversation with him. I'm working on not being so trapped in my sympathy for him, in that he told me it didn't help him and he doesn't believe it helps me so he doesn't want to participate in that. He said last night that he thinks I'm doing better since his hospitalisation because I have had to rely on myself and not on him as much. I'm inclined to agree, my nerves are better and I'm coping me with ups and downs. But he's still someone I can turn to in times of stress and I am someone he can talk to and who will keep him company and try to help him. I feel like we're working together or in parallel to eachother to get our problems sorted. He's let me realise a lot about myself and has been very important/vital support to me when I couldn't cope but now I feel he's withdrawing. It's out of necessity because he has his won stuff that he has to be himself for, that professionals can guide him and I can support him but that he must work on. In a away, I am withdrawing too, because I know how important that is to him, and also because I'm gradually coming to acknowledge how little that was helping my own life. I remember when we were looking in the "Take Care" book in the section on complicated grief, and he pointed to the 'throwing yourself into helping others' as a sign that reminded him of me. He's right, I'm not sure, or at least, then I didn't know, what I was grieving for, but now I am getting an idea. I think I mourn the loss of my old ideas about who I was and where I was going, what I used to want.
I'm Mike's. I don't put a noun there because I can honestly and without too much discomfort say that I don't know what I am to him, except that I'm someone in his life. I am there for him to talk to, I take the initiative and start a conversation with him. I'm working on not being so trapped in my sympathy for him, in that he told me it didn't help him and he doesn't believe it helps me so he doesn't want to participate in that. He said last night that he thinks I'm doing better since his hospitalisation because I have had to rely on myself and not on him as much. I'm inclined to agree, my nerves are better and I'm coping me with ups and downs. But he's still someone I can turn to in times of stress and I am someone he can talk to and who will keep him company and try to help him. I feel like we're working together or in parallel to eachother to get our problems sorted. He's let me realise a lot about myself and has been very important/vital support to me when I couldn't cope but now I feel he's withdrawing. It's out of necessity because he has his won stuff that he has to be himself for, that professionals can guide him and I can support him but that he must work on. In a away, I am withdrawing too, because I know how important that is to him, and also because I'm gradually coming to acknowledge how little that was helping my own life. I remember when we were looking in the "Take Care" book in the section on complicated grief, and he pointed to the 'throwing yourself into helping others' as a sign that reminded him of me. He's right, I'm not sure, or at least, then I didn't know, what I was grieving for, but now I am getting an idea. I think I mourn the loss of my old ideas about who I was and where I was going, what I used to want.
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