Thought Strategy of the Day

So, today I've been struggling with some negative thoughts, and working on using techniques from ACT -- which is all about not trying to control them, or get rid of them, but to just not let them distract me from what I want to do (as I understand it, anyway). I'm often fairly disappointed to realise that the ACT techniques don't make them go away or make me feel better, but, dammit, THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I'm still as stuck as ever in the happiness trap if I go about it that way, so if I want to not be in there, it's time for a change of ideas/basis/paradigm. So, instead, I've been trying to focus on what I want to do today, which is get work done, and not to let the negative thoughts be anything more than thoughts - words in my head, stories my brain tells me.

With this in mind, or at least, coming together with this now I've thought about it, I'd written 'grumpy' on my hand. That idea came from last week, when I was really tired Thursday (and had taken a bit more valium than was necessary for the dentist, so sorta dopey), Mike suggested I write 'TIRED' on my hand so that I'd remember I was tired (and drug affected) when I was having trouble getting it together at work, to prevent the inner conversation of 'why are you such a fuck up today ami?' 'because you're useless' since I'd see my hand and then know 'oh yeah, i'm tired, that's why things are hard'. So I'd written grumpy on my hand this morning, but on the inside of it. This is what it looks like now:

See how the 'grumpy' is wearing off? Well, in my feelings too, the 'grumpy is wearing off'. It seems to be a nice way to remember that my 'difficult days' actually tend to be more 'difficult mornings' -- it tends to be better later in the day.  I like knowing this, and I think that for especially hard days, I might write my feelings on the hand, to watch them fade.

Grandfathers and Grandmothers

I'm lucky to have been born with all four grandparents, in fact, until 2010 I still had all four grandparents, we only lost my great-grandmother when I was ten. When I was born, my grandparents were in their fifties, and not yet retired. My parents had me young, but not that young, and their parents did the same. Nan and Pop (mum's parents) only got married in 1955, mum was born in 1961. Grandma and Grandad (dad's parents) I'm not sure, but they'd had three other kids by the time dad was born in 1960. Grandad's around 84 now, grandma would have been 82 I think. Pop was born in 1931 so he's just turned 80, Nanna turns 75 this year. Funny how I don't know as much about one set of grandparents as the other, but things turn out that way sometimes. We were always more of a concern to Nan and Pop being the only grandchildren, where Grandma always seemed to have the rest of the grandkids on her mind more than us.
Anyway, in a peculiar way, since my grandparents were only middle aged when I was born, I've got to watch them grow old, while I've been growing up. And I think they have got old, mainly it's Poppy and Nanna that have - the inflexibility, the stubbornness, the nostalgia, the bewilderment that comes from the world leaving you behind is noticeable in them but wasn't in Grandma and Grandad. Maybe they were old before their time, and stayed that way, where Nanna and Pop, firmly middle class and still running a business til the mid 80's, still acting as treasurer/secretary to a variety of clubs even now, were younger once, I can remember not thinking of them as old. From what my mum and dad say, it seems that way to them too, especially for Pop.
He had a heart attack in 2009, perhaps what's been the change. Facing mortality, actual impairment, maybe. Pop had polio in the forties, but I think that was a time when disability was less taboo - he learned to cope with his leg in a time when people didn't make much fuss about it. But now, after coping for so long and never really seeing himself, in fact fighting the perception of himself, as an 'invalid', he's had to deal with being ill, with not being able to do what he used to do.
Maybe that's one thing that grandparents are able to do for those among us in this position, teach us how (or how not) to get old, help to deal with the fact of aging before actually having to go through the process.
Besides the great questions of life, living, aging and mortality, my grandparents have taught me a lot of things, even if the relationship (to the extent that I have/had them) have been rocky. My grandparents are interesting people who've had such a wide variety of life experiences, and remain to a lot of extent a mystery to me. On the one hand, I don't know if they'd be especially receptive to much talking about their selves and their minds, but on the other, the hints that I get from what they say and how they say it just intrigue me so much.
For example, two sayings of my grandad's: "You're not drunk til you're drunk enough to lay in the gutter and pull the water up over you like a blanket".  "Patience and Perseverance. You could get a pound of butter up the arse of a wild tom-cat using a hot sewing needle, as long as you have patience and perseverance". Where'd he learn them? To what situations, exactly, does he imagine these apply? No wonder my dad's such a funny bugger...he idolises his dad. My dad knew what he wanted to do with his life ever since he was little - he wanted to be a mechanic like his dad. So he went and did it, and works for the company that my grandad worked for, though, I think grandad had more of a managerial role. I think that might be why my dad's always been frustrated/confused/impatient with people who don't really know what they want, especially in relationship to jobs, but also to a lot of other things. My dad found what he wanted early -- he wanted to be a mechanic like his dad, so he went to tech school, did an apprenticeship, and got work as a mechanic at the mine. Him and my mum met when he was 18 and she 17, he liked her, and so they got together and then they got married. She was only his second girlfriend at all, and as far as I can understand, not much went on with the first. When my dad was my age, he had two children with the love of his life, was paying off a mortgage on a great house, had the job he always wanted. So I think that's why he can't understand why David and I just "can't get it together". Like all of the luckiest people, he has no idea he's lucky.

Wisdom from my Inbox

This is an email a good friend of mine sent to me, with some wisdom that I've copied, and added to a little.
Written by a 90 year old - edited by Ami

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month. Or don’t get one.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with the universe.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. This is compulsory in Australia anyway. Maybe also save for the power bill.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. Also, vogons.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. It’s okay to see your children cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret (from everyone), you shouldn't be in it. But some people don’t need to know the details.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer. But be reasonable, sometimes what you love just isn’t a good idea.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. But maybe you don’t need to be ready for the zombie apocalypse.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain. Though the boobs seem pretty important too.
25. No one is in charge of your health, wellbeing and happiness but you. You aren’t in charge or responsible for anyone else’s health, wellbeing or happiness.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life. If you can’t, you need help. Get some.
28. Forgive everyone everything. Forgive yourself too.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business. Both if they think you’re good, or if they think you’re bad. Also, what you think of them isn’t any of their business either. So maybe they don’t want to hear it. Especially, they don’t want to hear you saying it to someone else.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. People love you because of who you are and who they are, not because of anything you did or didn't do..
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now. Sometimes you are gonna need to give yourself some time, sympathy and rest to recover from how it’s been recently, and then you’ll be on better form to go back to it when you’re stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young. But some people are here for a good time, not a long time, and it’s worth learning to cope with that.
37. Your children get only one childhood, except that they’ll also have the capacity you’ve had to get over their past. Don’t drive yourself mad trying not to fuck them up. Your parents didn’t do that bad a job, and you’re coping with it anyway.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need, and envy isn’t gonna get you more of it anyway.
42. The best is yet to come... Don’t panic.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. (Ami edited for humanism instead of religion). 
Thanks Jenn. 

Who am I? Part 3

I'm Caris's older sister.
This is something that I've struggled with because I feel like Caris is more like my mum and dad and so therefore, she's the one they prefer. She's not as smart as me in therms of intellectual prowess but I think she has far better "people smarts". She knows how to put people at their ease and seems to have a natural charisma. I'm friendly and genuinely pretty interested in people but I have the idea that I'm awkward and make people feel uncomfortable. By people I mean people like my parents and people from Collie. People more like me, intellectually or personality-wise I think I do go okay with, but for example, I feel really awkward a the hairdressers or with my sister's friends if they don't know me already. Caris is really cool in my view, where I'm just not, I'm awkward and geeky. But there's a contradiction there in that she says that she feels really shy and that she would never go out and do the things I do because she'd be scared. I don't think I'm shy at all, Caris can also be fairly unassertive, whereas I'm really not. I do always try to make sure my voice is heard and only back out of my own will.
I think me being "the smart one" has affected my and her relationship because of some things she said recently when i was telling her about the problems I'd been having with the idea of telling our dad what's going on. She was saying that mum and dad are so used to me being 'the perfect one' who sorts herself out, and her (Caris) being the one who's psycho and needs help. So now I've been having problems they don't know how to deal with it. I think she's right, I'm really really driven to appear dependable, reliable, the one thing they never have to worry about, to them. I want to look after Caris and give her advice, I can't really resist trying to fix her problems but she's got a real good head on her shoulders and while I think she's okay with and values the intention behind my advice, the situations and our personalities are often so different that there's not much she can apply.
We have lots of similarities, I think, because of our genes and environment probably. We're both organised, good in a crisis, get things sorted out first and get safe before we can let go and show emotions sort of people. We both generally try to make sure everyone else is okay before we let ourselves get helped or break down. And we both tend to worry a lot about what people think even if we don't much take it into account. We're both quick to anger, sadness, sort of heart on the sleeve people, but also quick to laugh and to love.

Everything I need to know I learned from the movies: 1) Fight Club

- shops and advertising are trying (very hard) to sell you products, by selling you a lifestyle
 "That wasn't just my stuff, that apartment was *me*, ok?" "A fridge full of condiments and no food, how embarrassing" "You are not your job, you are not your couch" "Fuck Martha Stewart. Martha's polishing the brass on the titanic, it's all going down, man" "Some other man's name on your underwear"
The movie brings it up again and again -- they're using the lifestyle to sell you products, as if having the product will give you the lifestyle. It won't. With some things, I find it pretty easy to accept this - housing developments, for example, make me incredibly squeamish, with their pictures of happy families, kids riding bikes, dogs, sunshine and flowers and golf clubs etc. You're buying a house, people! A house with lots and lots of constraints and conditions to make sure that your home fits in to some designer/advertising/marketer person's idea of what a house is like, what a community is like. Nothing seems organic in those pictures, it's all stylised and perfect and 'ready to go', nothing grows. Nothing starts small and gets big, it's all ready made, already cut in to pieces so you can only build it one way, make it all look the same... Gag. Same with commercial clothes, commercial environments, commercial life. All constructed, all artificial, all inauthentic. I buy things, I like things. But I'm buying objects, items. I'm not buying ideas, feelings, lifestyles. Those things aren't for sale, no matter what the ad looks like.
- organisational tips: staple one side of filing cabinet folders to the wall and use binder clips to hold them shut. Find unconventional sources of raw material and use it to produce things through your own craftsmanship. "Two black shirts, two pair black pants, two pair black socks, pair of black boots, $300 personal burial money" - consider what's really necessary. The rest is luxuries, have them and enjoy them, but admit they're not necessary.
- be discreet. "The first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club, the second rule of fight club is that you do not talk about Fight Club". "Except when they were fucking, Tyler and Marla were never in the same room. My parents pulled this exact same trick for years" "You broke your promise *slap*. You talked to her about me!" Knowledge is power, be careful who you share it with. Or share it with everyone, but accept the consequences. Sometimes things can be said with a wink (and a coffee gargle) far more emphatically than with words, but still, people are still gonna miss the point.

Boundaries

My fortnightly task with my counsellor this time is to think about boundaries, particularly, having boundaries between me and other people and deciding where they lie.
I think there are two types of boundaries. There's boundaries I set withing myself, and boundaries I enforce externally. At the moment, I'd consider myself fairly "good", if that's the word, at setting internal boundaries, for example, my "robot mode"" is like an unhealthy expression of it, where I refuse both to let the outside in, and the inside out, on an emotional/psychological level. Healthy boundaries are harder to do, being specific about things, creating more than one rule, it's more complex. I would say, consciously, that I'm not a big 'black and white' thinker, in that I don't like to set lines and be firm about crossing them, but I think that there is a shadow side of it that is quite black/white sort of 'splitting' thing. All about me vs the rest of the world and what's allowed for me compared to what's allowed for the rest of the world.
I wouldn't call myself a very unconstrained, boundary-free person in the past, but I'm getting to be now. What used to be a big issue for me was all these internalised (such that I thought they were my own) rules about what to say and do, and  how to see others, pretty much based around the idea that I have to be different to how I am, careful, or else people won't like me. And that people (everyone) liking me was really important, and how I felt about them was unimportant. That not liking someone meant I'm bad or judgemental, but if they didn't like me, that was my fault too. So I had a lot of internal boundaries in terms of constraints on my behaviour and outward appearance, but very low internal boundaries going the other way, in that I was very unresilient to criticism. At the same time though, I believe that I had a strong view of 'the line' in terms of not letting myself be treated in such a way to lose my self-respect, but looking back, I'm not sure. Those closest to me, especially my family, were crossing that line and hurting me regularly.
In terms of integrating all this and looking at the present day, it seems like there are at least two things I want to work on:
1) boundaries as in what I will and will not tolerate from others, and how or when I would let them know, if I want to, what they are or if the person has crossed them
2) boundaries in terms of how I relate to others, especially to do with not getting pulled in to other people's problems to the extent that it's unhelpful to them or me.
My support group program for the problem I was having last week about this was "Let go and let God". I don't believe in God, but I think the universal message is to leave things up to others, or to time. Not to intervene. Is a huge challenge for me not to do that, out of a need to help people which is driven by my difficulties accepting that 'problems exist' with any peace of mind at all, as out of any kind of altruism. It's out of selfish motives that I help people, my friend Mike thinks that that's why anyone does. I argued with him for a long time but now I think I can accept that. It really does come down to an idea of 'selfish always being a bad thing' that I've been stuck on. To treat yourself well too, to make your needs important to you, maybe is "selfish" but it's useful and that's important.

Who am I? Part 2

I'm Todd's friend, and a girl who used to love him but now loves his best friend. Todd has known me since the early days of uni as a fizzy, bubbly, friendly girl who can be annoying and won't back down from standing up for what she thinks is right. It was me who tried to explain to Todd that "pushing people's buttons" doesn't actually reveal their "true selves" but, rather, themselves when they're hurt, threatened or annoyed. Through the years I've been there when Todd needs me for listening and a different perspective. I think that as a "geeky feminist" who uses a lot of sympathetic & emotional reasoning as well as logic and conceptualisation, I've taught him a fair bit about women, or tried to. At one time at uni, when I was very unhappy (possibly having a depressive episode), Todd was there for me a lot for listening and someone I can discuss things with. In many ways Todd and I are opposites - for example, he has a strong faith in God, though I'm not sure how literally he takes the Jesus thing; his background and many of the most supportive people in his life are religious so of course he sees that as a way to find support. Whereas I have no faith beyond faith in human nature at it's worst and very best. We've had very vigorous discussions about this kind of thing but both of us work hard to keep things civil and polite and respectful, and I really appreciate that. But there are lots of things that we probably will never really understand about eachother and I'm okay with that.

At one time, a little before Dave and I became friends, I developed feelings for Todd, they were out of a kind of mutual respect, understanding, companionship, and I thought seriously that he and I might build a relationship together, so I told him this - saying that the last thing I wanted was to ruin our friendship but that I liked him a lot and could see a romantic future for us. He responded that he liked me very much as a friend, but just did not see me that way. That was quite crushing, but with time, I've come to understand that we seem bound to tread a path of friendship together, and I have no regrets for that. I like him a lot and he's a great friend to me.

At a time earlier this year when I was really having lots of troubles with the depression and everything, Todd and his parents were there for me -- his mum also has depression so Todd has always been understanding in that particular way that I find really helpful. I was having all sorts of bad thoughts and feelings, that were just making everything really hard, and I kinda wanted to talk to my mum about it, but I was paralysed with anxiety about what the consequences of that would be -- that's something I think I might always battle with, feelings that I mustn't cause my mum any worries or "trouble", that I should always make sure to be dependable and "easy" for her. We (Dave and I) were over Todd's house, dropping him off I think, but he invited us in to watch movies, or something; my memory is really foggy of that week or so, which is probably a blessing. Anyway, circumstances ensued when Todd was talking to his parents in their study about things and I just knocked on the door and said 'can I talk to you guys?' and just let it all out. I wanted to talk to my parents but felt I couldn't, so talking to Todd's parents really helped -- Todd's mum's lovely, and she's very supportive and understanding and wonderful. That's what I needed. Also, since his dad is a preacher for the Uniting Church, I think he's got lots of experience with helping people with problems too so that was great. One thing Todd's dad said to me that really stuck in my mind was "Wherever you go, there you are." To me it means that if I keep trying to run from my "problems" they're never likely to be truly sorted out and always going to plague me. To a large extent, the problems I have been having are to do with parts of my past, my personality, and my current situation, and trying to change any of them (changing the past is impossible, but I suppose I could also change how I deal with it) in isolation, just running off, will not work. Because wherever I go, all the parts of me will follow, I guess, and learning to reconcile that is probably far more helpful than trying to figure out a hiding spot or somewhere to throw away parts.

Two Poems

December 31, 2010 I wrote this one, it's callled "I don't know what I want but I don't want this'

Him showing so much promise but noone giving a chance when that's all that's needed

Even his own parents not telling him or me about their disappointment
My parents' suggestions of being realistic and considering my future
Self doubt creeping up on both of us with fights getting longer and silences louder
I don't know what I want but I don't want this

Feeling like a fraud and a waste of 20,000 dollars and five years
Forgetting details and being that girl who's late for meetings and can't keep track
Staring out the window when work needs doing but wanting to hide under the desk
Sympathetic half smiles from bosses and coworkers who daren't ask what's wrong
I don't know what I want but I don't want this

Crying down the phone at std rates and pretending it's just today
Biting my tongue or shrugging when some idle comment cuts to the bone
Not knowing what to say and sitting awkward everywhere
Sure that anyone I meet would rather be somewhere else
I don't know what I want but I don't want this

Loathing every single part of me and wishing I never were
Fat lazy stupid ugly useless waste of space
Listening to voices echoing every negativity I've ever heard of
Seeing no escape from the darkness and the clicking and the nothing
the abyss staring back at me
I don't know what I want but I don't want this

Staring at the walls again without being able to hold a thought long enough to count the bricks
Losing track of the ticking of the clock in the middle of the night
The light from the fire alarm, cats, dogs, birds and babies staring at me
Waiting to hear bad news that never actually comes
I don't know what I want but I don't want this

Then I wrote this one on January 6, 2011, it's called "This is called relief"
this new feeling, this unfamiliar feeling,
this everything's gonna be alright feeling
this is called relief

this him having a job,
 this him doing stuff and thinking and doing and getting stuff done,
this him getting paid
this is called relief

this friend being better than he was,
this 'let's go play boardgames Saturday',
this come with me to the appointment,
this maybe it's not just depression, there's a different treatment
this is called relief

this getting work done,
this making a timetable and a calendar and a to-do list,
this empty inbox, this 'it's fine boss i know how to do it' and 'yep, well done, thanks'
this is called relief

this planning a menu, this supermarket,
this finding a use for all that second hand tupperware,
this clean sink first thing in the morning
this is called relief

this 'you take too much on my darling, but whatever you need to do to get through it, me and dad are here for you',
this 'let's go to zumba on Tuesdays, it'll be fun',
this oh my god you're so big but you still have your sweet giggle and you're healthy and still here
this is called relief

this laying down tonight so as to wake up tomorrow,
this being able to think and laugh and dream,
this simple pleasure from fresh sheets, a cool breeze, bare skin,
this closing my eyes and floating and melting
this is called relief

Mood swings? Which mood swings?

Writing - Part of the Book and an idea seedling

It starts from nothing at all, like everything else, starting and ending with the great blank slate. You build a life for you and your family, creating the world and everything in it anew for them. Somewhere for them to stand while you watch over them, even if non-participatory, non-interventionist, even when you no longer walk in the garden in the cool of the evening, you build it. With hope.

I built their world for them, and I built them, after my own image, of course. Doesn't every parent? I'm not sure I can write this story. The creation, what's involved in it. Imagine the scale, the immensity. There wasn't anything, and then there was light! Let there be light, as they say. And light was! Blinding flashes of the damn stuff, wheeling around in the chaos, the terror, the abyss suddenly having enough light to see by and stare back at me. Stare! Gaze! Burn! Burn brightly, never ending, that the echoes of the first light only reach the earth after 4 billion years. Did you ever poke yourself in the eye? That SEARING, agonising spear of light cascading into thousands of kaleidoscope patterns and voids and the afterechoes popping in to your vision when you just want to go to sleep? Fiat lux, indeed.

I was stuck on how to convey the epic massiveness of the act of creating in the book. Then I was thinking maybe it can be a repeated theme, a story growing in the telling. And then I thought ... why? My protagonist needs a reason to create the world. What if he was lonely?
Or bored?
Perhaps lonely is more poignant, like a young mum having a baby just so *something* loves them.
How literal am I going to be able to be about the story of creation anyway -- there's a lot mixed up in there that maybe I don't want in. It's really interesting, I think I need to think more about how to get the themes I want in there tied together.

Positivities/Happy thoughts

I've been writing down things that are positive, that made me smile or feel happy for a fair while now, and I think I want to keep doing it. Here are some from the past:
9/Dec/2010
Steve Z appreciates my efforts on the ECO house committee at work, I got a letter about it. Also I finished the mobility analysis off today and Jenny D liked it.
15/Feb/2011
Things I'm looking forward to: Batman 3, Pirates 4 and 5, Matrix 4 and 5, Ironman 2, all kinds of new movies. The Hobbit. Sherlock Holmes 2. More music, books, tv, creative work of all kinds. Seeing Steph, Kitty and Anna graduate. Graduating myself. David's job working out. Seeing Eilidh, Jasper, Adele, Ruby, Jack and everyone grow up. Getting nieces and nephews. Having my own baby. Learning more and more things. Moving the institute. Seeing Lauren. Seeing Isabella again. David and my honeymoon and marriage. Being an old lady in a red hat and purple dress that doesn't go. Getting a puppy.

19/Apr/2011
I helped Nate make a 'toolbox for dealing with depression' at his work, and it's turned out really well and helped someone already. I completed moodgym:

These show that my depression and anxiety scores are still in the medium range, but no more than other people in my age and gender typically experience. Look at that downward slope :)

Ryan Reynolds is going to play the Green Hornet!!

29/Apr/2011
Steve B building a shed with his dad, like the test match of sheds.

12/May/2011
The smile on that tradesman's face as he accepted the cuppa fro, the lady with the white hair in her front yard.

Absolution, apologies, acceptance

The thing with absolution is that you only really get it from other people. When you've done something to them that they forgive you for, or when you realise that what you did by them sits okay with you and you absolve yourself. But when you've done and are still doing sommething that doesn't sit by you, there's no absolution for that.

I wrote that about 10 days ago, in response to some anxiety I was having about my ... let's say 'romantic arrangements' for the sake of discretion. There was the ideas I'd had in the past, that had made certain things 'sit by me' as I put it, but on that day I had a lot of internal conflict as to how things would look from the outside, and whether things really were alright by me or not, whether they meet my 'standards' or values. Things were eventually resolved through a discussion with each of the relevant parties and an agreement to leave things at the status quo, but with the idea that the status quo is for help and support while relationship issues get sorted out.

Then today I wrote this about apologies and acceptance:

Apologies help the person who says them far more than the person to whom they're said.

I've touched a nerve on Mike at some point recently and he's chosen to distance himself from me to protect himself. This is intensely upsettig to me because he won't tell me what it is that I said because he doesn't want to talk about it, so I can't make a sincere apology since I don't know what happened. The fact that he doesn't flinch, or that I can't remember doing anything, noticing I've hit something raw, so I regret it and I'm feeling very self-centred. Inclined to search through my chat logs to try to find out what it was, to rack my brains. Intersting expression, rack the brains, when one thinks of what a rack is in that context, the stretching, dislocation, death torture machine. That's probably a sign that maybe indulging that inclination isn't a good idea.

This is tied to the acceptance. I need to learn to accept tht I might hurt my friends sometimes, inadvertently (Mike has said he doesn't think I had ill-intentions) or adventently, and that apologising will do far more for me than them, so they may not want (or might set up the situation to prevent) me apologising. Mike's trying to do what's best for him, and he has every right o do that, so it's fair enough that he doesn't want to say what it is and he wants to put some distance between us for now. But it hurts a lot and while I can accept that doing the right thing by trying to accept that sometimes peole are hurt by me, and I can't do anything to fix it, this ceeding of control to them, it's not what my feelings want. My feelings want it to go away, to be better again, for me to fix it and get absolution, forgiveness. My feelings don't like to put up with regrets.

This situatio isn't tenable though, because I'm not in control of other peoples' thoughts or feelings or health, wellbeing or happiness. I'll never have that control and so being upset I can't "get it back" is odd, since I feel like I've lost something I never had in the first place. What am I fighting for? What do I really want? If the answer is 'to make other people happy' then it doesn't make sense. That's impossible. In this area I need to figure out something I want that can get me closer to the peace of mind that I want and that's good for me. I have to settle the debate between my mind, reality, and my feelings and come to some accord that gives me perspective and patience and strength to get on with things aand endure pain when I know it's for the best. Like in 12-step groups: The serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to tell them apart.

Plans for Off Days

26th November 2010
Today I’ve had an ‘off’ day at work in that i didn’t get much done, mainly due to lack of motivation and distraction on my part. This is not a good thing to continue so I have to make strategies to prevent it. Besides that I feel pretty neutral about it. Yeah, off days happen and not getting work done is a bad thing and it’s my fault, but my feelings seem more aligned with ‘how can i fix it?’ than with ‘this is terrible, I’m a bad person’. No I’m not a bad person. I didn’t go well at work today. Why?

• I didn’t decide early in the day what I was planning on doing today
• Helen’s not in and the office is pretty quiet, making it easier to be distracted
• No particular urgent tasks or deadlines (less motivating)
• distraction - reading articles from the web

How I plan to help:

• Use my to-do list to get an overview of the goals and projects I’m involved in
• Chunk projects into parts and develop a time frame for them
• Investigate if I can schedule reviews of progress and time-frames with Helen and/or Nick (since he’ll be supervising my uni project next year)
• Use the timer when on the web to help keep on task
• Use my daily calendar to work out ideas of what to do each day, what I'm going to work on
• possibly a daily goal like ‘Checking this subset of data’ or ‘this regression analysis’ or ‘ten paragraphs of the paper’ or something like that.

These all seem pretty doable and good.

Perspective

Perspective is a thing I've been thinking about a lot lately. I remember when Mike showed me his psych's trick of zooming out on a problem, of writing your bad thought/trigger on a piece of paper and holding it right up in your face so it's the only thing you can see, then moving it away so that around it you can see that the sky is still blue, the grass is still green, and life is still going on all around you with all its simple pleasures and little gains. Those are what's worth it, I think, that when, even though I have these overwhelming and distressing feelings, around the edges is the whole world going on with things that I can't see unless I'm willing to hold the paper further from my face. And it seems to me to be a conscious choice to do that, an act of will and strength and empowerment. Sometimes in my life perhaps I won't be powerful enough to push it far enough back myself, but I will be able to seek help to do that from my network of support. And other times, because I'm learning and developing my own tools, I can do it myself. This doesn't mean I'll never process the thought either, just that, if I want or need, I can take a different perspective on it, so I can get on with my life regardless.

Working

Well, slap me thrice and hand me to my mama -- the 'new post' thing works at work but not at home! Very surprising because things are usually the other way round - we run two Asus EEEPC (with the hashed together linux distro they use -- don't get Dave started on it, but I find it okay) and an old HP laptop with Windows Vista at home, and I'm running a Mac OS X iMac at work here, so when things don't work, it's usually a Mac-PC thing and the Mac usually loses out. But, go MAC! The applet that makes new posts for the blog works here :)

So, today I'm at work. I don't want to include much identifying information about my job, but I think it's sufficient to say I'm at data analyst at a research institute in Perth. I've only had the one job after doing my honours here, and always had the same supervisor, Helen. She's been a great mentor to me and this is a very flexible workplace, but my job is pretty demanding in terms of time and brain power. In the past I've found it to be a major contributor to the stress in my life, particularly as I deal with data that pertains to children with disabilities, which also ties in to some of the 'hot buttons' from my pasts. On the one hand, it's great to be able to bring my at home experiences as a teenager/young adult to fore to help me and my team get a handle on the data we want to analyse, and give a different perspective in this often 'research & researcher' focused world, but on the other, in difficult times, it can be hard to have the same things pop up again and again, both at work and at home. For that reason,  I don't read the emails from the families (other team members do) and spend more of my time looking at the data as just that, data, to some extent pushing the fact it's information about specific families and how they cope with some times truly horrendous difficulties to the back burner. I have to get through the day somehow, and I feel it's less bad that I'm consciously choosing to do that, knowing full well how things can be, than if I never had the 'fear' or whatever in the first place. If I was just a numbers girl, and never had thought or felt about what's going on for the people filling in the questionnaires, that would be worse. Instead, I'm choosing to leave those perspectives for other times and other places, and keep that I want to be the most effective and accurate data analyst possible to honour their contribution to our projects in the front of my mind at work.

This has changed in the last year anyway, since I've taken on a somewhat different role, in that now, I'm working on what we call 'the program grant' which, instead of being chiefly to do with the surveys, it to do with the population data from the whole of WA. That's right -- if you were born here or if you've ever been to hospital here, I've got your data somewhere. I can't find it though, it's too big to look for any one person, and I don't have specific birthdates. This data is somewhat easier to deal with from a 'personal' perspective, but it's also harder to use, causes more computer problems, and has required me to learn lots of new techniques in my statistical software to cope with the large numbers of records. Besides that, my project for this data is 'killing two birds with one stone' in that I'm doing it for money (as a work KPI) and for credit (as a uni project) so it has a tighter deadline than usual (JUNE!) and more reporting requirements (PARAGRAPHS!). That adds a bit of extra pressure to spice things up a bit, which has good and bad sides, of course. Again with the balance thing. I was working fairly well to the deadlines I set myself to make sure I had time to write it all up when I discovered, that through a computer f*ckup, everything I'd done since Nov 23 last year (that was March 23) was wrong. Completely wrong. Re-read the original data in and start from 'scratch' wrong. Yay! /sarcasm. That has streamlined my project somewhat, and some time between March 23 and Easter, I finally hit on the right process to get the data how I need it to get the project done, so now I'm moving along on it again, though, as always, the writing's harder than the analysis.

As though I didn't quite have enough going on at work, I'm also studying for a masters degree in biostatistics. At the moment it's one coursework unit and the project I talked about above. Today I'm trying to do an assessed exercise for the unit on my laptop while also working on the project on the Mac. Of course, right now I'm not actually doing either, but that's the plan. I was thinking of trying to do the assessed exercise last night (it was due midnight, after all) but I quickly realised that the RAGE! I get when my coursework notes don't 'make sense' in my opinion would lead to severe issues and possibly destruction of property if I tried to do it last night, without anyone around to help me, and after a fairly frustrating day of lack of "productivity".  So it's on the list for today, with the plan of it being handed in today, regardless of standard. This is a very new thing for me, the idea I might hand in an assessment late or incomplete, but I'm coping with it -- in fact, the decision that I can do things that way, that, to prevent damage to my mental and physical health, I may have to do it that way, has been pretty powerful. Yes, it's important to get "good marks". Yes, my mum or dad might comment on my marks not being high enough (always prefacing or suffixing with 'only joking' of course). But overall, what I want out of the course is to learn how to do the techniques, and to graduate with my masters of biostatistics. I can do that with 60% just as much as I can with 90%. And if my health goes better with 60%, then it's worth it to me. If I drive myself into the ground trying to get 90% and then can't finish the course, well, I haven't got what I wanted, which is to graduate. So I'm trading off. And glad to be doing so. Because it works for me.

Idea: "The Father" or "The Book of Ami"

It was Nietzsche who said "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.". What if that was a relief?

The idea of this book is a book about the agony of conscience, about knowing that you've made mistakes, fundamental, fatal mistakes that have f*cked up your life and the life of your children, about the consequences of decisions made that you can't go back on.
The setting will be Genesis, Exodus etc and it'll be providing the rest of the story about God, as though they were a parent.

The idea came to me when I was telling David about a book I'd been reading on the Kindle. I was complaining that I couldn't understand the motivations or emotional life of the protagonist, in fact, none of the characters seemed to have much of an emotional life at all. It seems to me that the protagonist sets up the other characters to fail and disappoint him, gets disappointed, and then punishes the other characters, who don't appear to understand, so they f*ck up again and the protag gets disappointed again. David said "Sounds like hard going honey, what's the book" and I said "Genesis". Much laughter. But that's what started the idea -- there should be the other part of the story...what are the motivations?

So I want to tell my version of the motivations of the protagonist of the bible. I can't decide what to call them -- God is the one people usually use but that has too much belief attached to it. Maybe one of the names like Adonai or Elohim. Ideas?

Who am I? - Part 1

Andrew the counsellor asked me to think about who I am, between one session and the next. I was really stuck, to the point of crying fits about the fact that I don't/didn't know who I was. It was already a stressful time for me anyway with a lot going on in my day to day life, and so, not a particularly healthy time for an identity crisis. With help from Nate and Nate, however, we worked out a strategy as to what I would do to get a hold of the answer to the question: who is Ami?

Start with who is Ami, who are the different Ami's in the life of me.

I am David's fiancee

I love him and want to be with him for the rest of our lives, and it frightens me sometimes that might not be as long as I need or want. I'm terrified that he'll go first because of the grief I would feel at losing him, what the process would be like, the day to day of getting used to life without him. He plays a large and central role in my life as him who needs me. I help him in lots of ways, in many ways he can be quite ill-equipped or ill-suited to the larger world. So I do some work as his go-between, his translator. I help him cope with things, sometimes he surprises me though with what he can handle. That makes me proud and also somewhat ashamed of not knowing already that he could. So I'm sad if I go first, especially if I already knew I was going, the thought of saying good-bye or trying to get ready for it horrifies me, but I also think he'd manage. I wouldn't be in a position to worry any more, I would hope, this is a reason that the notion of the afterlife terrifies me so -- watching him grieve for me rends my heart. In our day to day lives, Dave and I get on well, though we're quite different personalities to eachother. His head rules his heart most of the time, he understands the world through reasoning and logic and systems. I feel like I don't do that, that I can see where he's coming from with that, but that I chiefly understand the world through emotions and my imagination of what people (all me, really, I guess) would think and feel. So that's different to how I think Dave understands the world. I feel that he doesn't see things the way I do -- he says 'that doesn't make sense because ...' and lists logical, reasoned steps, where I would say "But why would someone who ... do that' listing thoughts or motivations. I feel I see the world on a personal, human level and he sees it on a conceptual level.

In terms of our relationship, another thing is that we're always making sure that we communicate with each other, we will go through times when rather than communication that we need and love, we take on the roles of carer and supporter rather than partner and lover. But then we'll work together to bring us back to reconnecting on that ideas, feelings, philosophy level. This happened last Tuesday (sometime before 28/2), I think recently because of how things have been between me and Mike and how things have been with me, I'd not been connecting with Dave emotionally. But we've reconnected and now that I've been able to sort things out by talking to Nate (debriefing) for what happened with Mike, I think that I'll be able to sort things with David, to be able to talk to him emotionally again. I love him, I'm so fascinated by him because he's so different and but also he can not always follow what I'm saying but I can tell that he's interested and he never thinks that I'm a smartass or know all, he always says he wants to hear what I have to say and he always likes to hear more information.

I'm an information junkie, so, while he frustrates me with his questions sometimes, I love that he wants to know everything, just like me. The other thing is that, like me, he doesn't make judgements about people. Though in his case, I think it's lack of capacity, while, for me, it's something I fight with, something I deliberately avoid because I have so much sympathy for everyone's plight. I would say that I'm somebody who can feel or think about feeling or imagine what other people are thinking or feeling, though David always surprises me so much that it makes me realise I don't have 100% insight. He helps me to stay grounded and not drive myself in to the ground observing or trying to read people's minds.

One thing about my David, and our relationship, that is vital, is that neither of us really 'do' jealousy. That which builds our trust and relationship is not some standard of conduct, where one isn't to see a lot of other people, or talk to them, it's not built on our relationships as two individuals. That which builds our relationship is based on conduct and a relationship and a shared effort based on who we are as a couple, not as two individuals. So we work together on things that affect our relationship, in a way that we each seem to see as quite separate from work we do on ourselves. That which binds us is communication, plain and simple, as if the daily task of actually sharing and communicating with another human being might ever be called simple.

Things to help recovery

- therapy
- coping skills and tools
- a support group
- a network of people to check in on you
- regular exercise
- a good, healthy diet
- patience and time
- positivity/optimism without too high expectations

These come from a site that has been useful to me (if occasionally also triggering worrying and sadness, called crazymeds.us (Link: http://crazymeds.us/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HomePage). This site has a lot of info. I'm talking a lot. Krakens for earrings big lots. But one of the most useful bits is an analogy for mental illness as the 'psychic equivalent of a broken leg'. The website's been updated so I can't actually find the analogy, but chances are it'll eventually be back up, somewhere. If not, I may  have to write about it myself, with great credit and thanks to the authors of that site. Another page I'll probably write about from there is about lessening the the risk of suicide when you start taking medication, which has all sorts of good tips  on it. Please do visit the homepage of crazymeds if you feel like you need information. Another very helpful website full of information is beyondblue (LInk: www.beyondblue.org.au) about depression, anxiety, bipolar and other disorders. And if you're considering suicide (even a passing fancy) it's a good idea to get yourself some help, make a doctors appointment, see your professional, or give lifeline (13 11 14) a call, they're nice and always ready to listen. The psychologists and psych nurses at the Mental Health Emergency Response Team in Western Australia (1300555788) are also helpful and will be able to suggest actions to take and help you organise what you might need.

Oops, babbling on a bit about mental health services there, never mind. Since this is my blog, and about me and what's happening with me, so, put up with a variety of crazy talk.

The important thing from the crazy med site was that there is some evidence, and a whole lot of anecdote, that it can take close to 2 years from first flip out to some kind of 'normal'. I don't know whether it wwill take me two years, but at the same time, since I get perfectionist, and tend to want to have things done right, done as soon as possible, especially when my moods and anxiousness isn't good, I am working hard for some kind of acceptance of that it'll get better, but it may not be easy or quick. Considering the whole rest of my life that's ahead of me and how much I still want to do, though, 2 years isn't that long. So I'm willing to put the time and effort in. At least, to keep  trying another day. One thing at a time, one day at a time.

The other kind of list, part 3 (Writing)

Anxiety's an odd thing. You build yourself up, worrying into a frenzy, about a specific topic (don't even get me started on the worrying in general business), and there's this feeling of...confusion? disappointment? when that which you worried about becomes a non-issue. Then, at least for me, there's the guilt. I was sure, I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that he was dying. That we would be sitting in the non-descript room at the hospital's clinic, learning how long he had left, the lengths that modern medicine would go to, to buy him that time. And now they were saying things like 'resection', 'laproscopy', 'successful'. When you've been anxious, or depressed, or swinging between the two for a long time, there are some emotions you've just stopped feeling. It's like colour-blindness, in that you know that other people are experiencing the world a particular way, but, you just ...aren't. There's red and green and people try to explain them to you but of course, what they say refers to things you can't recognise anyway, so it's not even lack of understanding, you understand the words just fine, but the experience to which they refer isn't actually present in your life. Relief was like that for me. I knew other people experience relief at hearing the news we heard, even my own mum cried, and she'd never exactly warmed to him in the past. But for me, nothing. I still can't properly remember the last time i felt something close to what other people call relief. "when's the surgery?" was the phrase i blurted out. It was booked for six weeks away. Six more weeks then. I was sure he'd not wake up.

The other kind of list - part 2 (Writing)

Dave was sympathetic - yep, here to get a cancer diagnosis and sympathizing with the intern. He was always so kind.
The supervisor, the surgeon, the big boss came in. He's a tall man, powerful, big handed but not hairy. Shaven headed - it's more common in Australia - especially among the balding. He's older, definitely older than the poor young intern, but not old - not old like our grandparents anyway. Air of confidence, almost arrogance. Brusque. "Well, mate, it's cancer" We just nodded, I was writing notes, I do it when I'm nervous, keeps the hands busy. I wrote CANCER, underlined it. "To be specific, it's called a chromatophobe tumor". I wrote it down - it's one of the subtypes I'd seen on the wikipedia page, I'd looked the first we'd heard about this tumor business. "It looks like we've got it early, you've got two choices" I write 1) on one line, 2) on the next. David was the first to ask - "Well, what are they, doc?". I think the tap was dripping. Might have been my fidgeting. There was definitely some kind of repetitive noise. "You can get the entire kidney removed, with the tumor, or we can open you up and try to just take the tumor". I write them down, dutiful, as though David wouldn't remember what the choices were unless I wrote them. I haven't been game enough to look back at the notes.
"Does it mean it's operable?" that was David. He likes specifics.
"Yeah, mate, we're going to operate". I have the idea only an Australian surgeon ever gets to say that.
"Chemo?" that was me. I'm not sure what I thought he'd say - still trying to process the 'operable' part. I wrote 'chemo'? on the page.
"Not unless we find something we're not suspecting in there. The tumor's encapsulated, see here" he points at the computer screen, at the ultrasound that accompanied the biopsy I was sure David wasn't going to wake up from. "That means it's all contained in a membrane" 'all in one piece, basically' the intern pipes up with. "So we can remove it, do some checking, but most likely, that'll take care of it". My hand had already written 'no' before I processed the news.

The other kind of list part 1 (Writing)

When David had his cancer, we didn't know what kind it was or if it was operable for about 5 weeks. As soon as they said there was something there though, I knew. I don't mean know as in 'agree with objective reality'. I mean know as in feel it in your guts. As in, that ache. I knew he had the cancer, I knew it was the kind that will kill him, I knew we didn't have long. So, there's the list. Not the happy kind, the "Bucket List" like in the movie, the list of things we'd do together before he died peaceful and happy and at peace with the world and we buried his ashes in a coffee can. The other kind of list. Of things he'd not be able to do. David was 24. In a way, if he'd be 6, it wouldn't have been as hard. Not that I'm saying it's easy - kids with cancer, that's one of the reasons I can't believe in any god. But the things that a little kid with cancer won't be able to do aren't as concrete to them. Yeah, they'll never get married, but it's not as if they have already met the woman or man they plan to. It's not as if they have to look that person in the eyes and say 'it's cancer'. It's not as if that person has to decide whether to marry them "before" or whether it'd be less sad to just stay engaged, until...well, for the rest of his life. Yeah, they'll never have their own kids, but they won't have to discuss whether or not their girlfriend should get pregnant, just so part of them can live on, even though she'll be raising the baby alone. They'll never graduate, but they won't have to walk in to their supervisor's office and decide whether their work is worth getting someone else to look at so that it can be completed, afterwards. They won't be travelling the world, but then again, they won't be trying to explain to a travel insurance company why they have to cancel their tickets. All of these dreams take on a painfully concrete reality when you can be sure the one you love won't have time to fulfill them.
We went to the hospital to find out what would happen. I was there to find out how long, being completely sure, so sure, it already hurt, so sure, it was already the most painful thing I could imagine, that they'd be shrugging, guessing, the way people do when they're incredibly uncomfortable, putting their hand over their mouth as if to stop what was coming out, and saying "We're not sure, with the latest treatments, a year? maybe two?". The intern we saw first was the same age as David. Exactly - they had the same birthday, in 1985. He noticed this when he first looked at the chart - 'Hey, we're the same age', casual as you like. He hadn't read the rest of the chart, so we got to watch as he scanned the lines down, his face falling. He looked uncomfortable, mumbled something about getting his supervisor. Poor bastard.

Things I'm thankful for

Things I'm thankful for:

• A fulfilling job

  • can use my skills

  • does my idea of good

  • liveable income

  • interesting

• supportive workplace

  • Helen wants to help

  • Kim is a great mentor

  • flexible and supportive team

• supportive friends

  • David wants to help, always listens, loves me for me

  • Nate listens to me, helps me, reminds me I'm good/worthwhile/not useless, that it gets better

  • Mike lets me be honest, has a unique perspective, is awesome, lets me in

• my family

  • It's complicated but they're there for me, love me, and i love them

I wrote this sometime in January or February 2011, I can't find the relevant notepad. At the time I was feeling down and felt that reminding myself that I had things that I was thankful for, or glad of. If something's not on here, it doesn't mean I'm not thankful for it, but I probably didn't think of it at the time. I then decided that these kinds of lists weren't helpful, because they were making me feel guilty, that I had so much to be thankful for, but was still not coping. Since then though I changed my mind again, and now I'm somewhat ambivalent – sometimes the list gives me the guilts, but mostly, it reminds me there is hope, light, beauty and luck in the world that I have my share of, and I'm glad of it. A little thankfulness/gratitude doesn't go astray I think (at least, for now). And these are positive and useful things that I have.

To the list of things I'm thankful for, I added a 'things to remember" list:

• people care about me and are trying to help

  • Dr James, Andrew the counsellor, David, Helen, Kim, Nate, Mike, Andrew from work, Jenn

• my family love me

• I'm an okay person

• It gets better

• It's a learning experience

Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says 'I will try again tomorrow'