Absolution, apologies, acceptance

The thing with absolution is that you only really get it from other people. When you've done something to them that they forgive you for, or when you realise that what you did by them sits okay with you and you absolve yourself. But when you've done and are still doing sommething that doesn't sit by you, there's no absolution for that.

I wrote that about 10 days ago, in response to some anxiety I was having about my ... let's say 'romantic arrangements' for the sake of discretion. There was the ideas I'd had in the past, that had made certain things 'sit by me' as I put it, but on that day I had a lot of internal conflict as to how things would look from the outside, and whether things really were alright by me or not, whether they meet my 'standards' or values. Things were eventually resolved through a discussion with each of the relevant parties and an agreement to leave things at the status quo, but with the idea that the status quo is for help and support while relationship issues get sorted out.

Then today I wrote this about apologies and acceptance:

Apologies help the person who says them far more than the person to whom they're said.

I've touched a nerve on Mike at some point recently and he's chosen to distance himself from me to protect himself. This is intensely upsettig to me because he won't tell me what it is that I said because he doesn't want to talk about it, so I can't make a sincere apology since I don't know what happened. The fact that he doesn't flinch, or that I can't remember doing anything, noticing I've hit something raw, so I regret it and I'm feeling very self-centred. Inclined to search through my chat logs to try to find out what it was, to rack my brains. Intersting expression, rack the brains, when one thinks of what a rack is in that context, the stretching, dislocation, death torture machine. That's probably a sign that maybe indulging that inclination isn't a good idea.

This is tied to the acceptance. I need to learn to accept tht I might hurt my friends sometimes, inadvertently (Mike has said he doesn't think I had ill-intentions) or adventently, and that apologising will do far more for me than them, so they may not want (or might set up the situation to prevent) me apologising. Mike's trying to do what's best for him, and he has every right o do that, so it's fair enough that he doesn't want to say what it is and he wants to put some distance between us for now. But it hurts a lot and while I can accept that doing the right thing by trying to accept that sometimes peole are hurt by me, and I can't do anything to fix it, this ceeding of control to them, it's not what my feelings want. My feelings want it to go away, to be better again, for me to fix it and get absolution, forgiveness. My feelings don't like to put up with regrets.

This situatio isn't tenable though, because I'm not in control of other peoples' thoughts or feelings or health, wellbeing or happiness. I'll never have that control and so being upset I can't "get it back" is odd, since I feel like I've lost something I never had in the first place. What am I fighting for? What do I really want? If the answer is 'to make other people happy' then it doesn't make sense. That's impossible. In this area I need to figure out something I want that can get me closer to the peace of mind that I want and that's good for me. I have to settle the debate between my mind, reality, and my feelings and come to some accord that gives me perspective and patience and strength to get on with things aand endure pain when I know it's for the best. Like in 12-step groups: The serenity to accept the things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to tell them apart.