I'm Todd's friend, and a girl who used to love him but now loves his best friend. Todd has known me since the early days of uni as a fizzy, bubbly, friendly girl who can be annoying and won't back down from standing up for what she thinks is right. It was me who tried to explain to Todd that "pushing people's buttons" doesn't actually reveal their "true selves" but, rather, themselves when they're hurt, threatened or annoyed. Through the years I've been there when Todd needs me for listening and a different perspective. I think that as a "geeky feminist" who uses a lot of sympathetic & emotional reasoning as well as logic and conceptualisation, I've taught him a fair bit about women, or tried to. At one time at uni, when I was very unhappy (possibly having a depressive episode), Todd was there for me a lot for listening and someone I can discuss things with. In many ways Todd and I are opposites - for example, he has a strong faith in God, though I'm not sure how literally he takes the Jesus thing; his background and many of the most supportive people in his life are religious so of course he sees that as a way to find support. Whereas I have no faith beyond faith in human nature at it's worst and very best. We've had very vigorous discussions about this kind of thing but both of us work hard to keep things civil and polite and respectful, and I really appreciate that. But there are lots of things that we probably will never really understand about eachother and I'm okay with that.
At one time, a little before Dave and I became friends, I developed feelings for Todd, they were out of a kind of mutual respect, understanding, companionship, and I thought seriously that he and I might build a relationship together, so I told him this - saying that the last thing I wanted was to ruin our friendship but that I liked him a lot and could see a romantic future for us. He responded that he liked me very much as a friend, but just did not see me that way. That was quite crushing, but with time, I've come to understand that we seem bound to tread a path of friendship together, and I have no regrets for that. I like him a lot and he's a great friend to me.
At a time earlier this year when I was really having lots of troubles with the depression and everything, Todd and his parents were there for me -- his mum also has depression so Todd has always been understanding in that particular way that I find really helpful. I was having all sorts of bad thoughts and feelings, that were just making everything really hard, and I kinda wanted to talk to my mum about it, but I was paralysed with anxiety about what the consequences of that would be -- that's something I think I might always battle with, feelings that I mustn't cause my mum any worries or "trouble", that I should always make sure to be dependable and "easy" for her. We (Dave and I) were over Todd's house, dropping him off I think, but he invited us in to watch movies, or something; my memory is really foggy of that week or so, which is probably a blessing. Anyway, circumstances ensued when Todd was talking to his parents in their study about things and I just knocked on the door and said 'can I talk to you guys?' and just let it all out. I wanted to talk to my parents but felt I couldn't, so talking to Todd's parents really helped -- Todd's mum's lovely, and she's very supportive and understanding and wonderful. That's what I needed. Also, since his dad is a preacher for the Uniting Church, I think he's got lots of experience with helping people with problems too so that was great. One thing Todd's dad said to me that really stuck in my mind was "Wherever you go, there you are." To me it means that if I keep trying to run from my "problems" they're never likely to be truly sorted out and always going to plague me. To a large extent, the problems I have been having are to do with parts of my past, my personality, and my current situation, and trying to change any of them (changing the past is impossible, but I suppose I could also change how I deal with it) in isolation, just running off, will not work. Because wherever I go, all the parts of me will follow, I guess, and learning to reconcile that is probably far more helpful than trying to figure out a hiding spot or somewhere to throw away parts.
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