Him showing so much promise but noone giving a chance when that's all that's needed
Even his own parents not telling him or me about their disappointment
My parents' suggestions of being realistic and considering my future
Self doubt creeping up on both of us with fights getting longer and silences louder
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Feeling like a fraud and a waste of 20,000 dollars and five years
Forgetting details and being that girl who's late for meetings and can't keep track
Staring out the window when work needs doing but wanting to hide under the desk
Sympathetic half smiles from bosses and coworkers who daren't ask what's wrong
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Crying down the phone at std rates and pretending it's just today
Biting my tongue or shrugging when some idle comment cuts to the bone
Not knowing what to say and sitting awkward everywhere
Sure that anyone I meet would rather be somewhere else
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Loathing every single part of me and wishing I never were
Fat lazy stupid ugly useless waste of space
Listening to voices echoing every negativity I've ever heard of
Seeing no escape from the darkness and the clicking and the nothing
the abyss staring back at me
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Staring at the walls again without being able to hold a thought long enough to count the bricks
Losing track of the ticking of the clock in the middle of the night
The light from the fire alarm, cats, dogs, birds and babies staring at me
Waiting to hear bad news that never actually comes
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Then I wrote this one on January 6, 2011, it's called "This is called relief"
this new feeling, this unfamiliar feeling,
this everything's gonna be alright feeling
this is called relief
this him having a job,
this him doing stuff and thinking and doing and getting stuff done,
this him getting paid
this is called relief
this friend being better than he was,
this 'let's go play boardgames Saturday',
this come with me to the appointment,
this maybe it's not just depression, there's a different treatment
this is called relief
this getting work done,
this making a timetable and a calendar and a to-do list,
this empty inbox, this 'it's fine boss i know how to do it' and 'yep, well done, thanks'
this is called relief
this planning a menu, this supermarket,
this finding a use for all that second hand tupperware,
this clean sink first thing in the morning
this is called relief
this 'you take too much on my darling, but whatever you need to do to get through it, me and dad are here for you',
this 'let's go to zumba on Tuesdays, it'll be fun',
this oh my god you're so big but you still have your sweet giggle and you're healthy and still here
this is called relief
this laying down tonight so as to wake up tomorrow,
this being able to think and laugh and dream,
this simple pleasure from fresh sheets, a cool breeze, bare skin,
this closing my eyes and floating and melting
this is called relief
Mood swings? Which mood swings?
My parents' suggestions of being realistic and considering my future
Self doubt creeping up on both of us with fights getting longer and silences louder
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Feeling like a fraud and a waste of 20,000 dollars and five years
Forgetting details and being that girl who's late for meetings and can't keep track
Staring out the window when work needs doing but wanting to hide under the desk
Sympathetic half smiles from bosses and coworkers who daren't ask what's wrong
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Crying down the phone at std rates and pretending it's just today
Biting my tongue or shrugging when some idle comment cuts to the bone
Not knowing what to say and sitting awkward everywhere
Sure that anyone I meet would rather be somewhere else
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Loathing every single part of me and wishing I never were
Fat lazy stupid ugly useless waste of space
Listening to voices echoing every negativity I've ever heard of
Seeing no escape from the darkness and the clicking and the nothing
the abyss staring back at me
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Staring at the walls again without being able to hold a thought long enough to count the bricks
Losing track of the ticking of the clock in the middle of the night
The light from the fire alarm, cats, dogs, birds and babies staring at me
Waiting to hear bad news that never actually comes
I don't know what I want but I don't want this
Then I wrote this one on January 6, 2011, it's called "This is called relief"
this new feeling, this unfamiliar feeling,
this everything's gonna be alright feeling
this is called relief
this him having a job,
this him doing stuff and thinking and doing and getting stuff done,
this him getting paid
this is called relief
this friend being better than he was,
this 'let's go play boardgames Saturday',
this come with me to the appointment,
this maybe it's not just depression, there's a different treatment
this is called relief
this getting work done,
this making a timetable and a calendar and a to-do list,
this empty inbox, this 'it's fine boss i know how to do it' and 'yep, well done, thanks'
this is called relief
this planning a menu, this supermarket,
this finding a use for all that second hand tupperware,
this clean sink first thing in the morning
this is called relief
this 'you take too much on my darling, but whatever you need to do to get through it, me and dad are here for you',
this 'let's go to zumba on Tuesdays, it'll be fun',
this oh my god you're so big but you still have your sweet giggle and you're healthy and still here
this is called relief
this laying down tonight so as to wake up tomorrow,
this being able to think and laugh and dream,
this simple pleasure from fresh sheets, a cool breeze, bare skin,
this closing my eyes and floating and melting
this is called relief
Mood swings? Which mood swings?
No comments:
Post a Comment