25/9 17:14 note to self: i think the big thing about the engagement party and how (mum and) dad reacted to dave's parents, dave having an off day, and my friends, is that, to me, these are things (dave and his fam, my friends) i've chosen as me, for myself. And when dad (and mum) disapproved, commented on them etc, it was like they were disapproving of *me*, and not just the old little girl me, but me as an adult, me making my own choices. They rejected my choice of partner, his family (who i like) and friends, and that felt like they were rejecting *me*, in fact, the most me part of me.
25/9 17:19 the reason i don't trust them is cos the one time i showed them all of me, my party that was about me and had my friends and the man i want to marry and his family who i like a lot, they rejected and complained about dave being useless, his family being snobs, and my friends being weirdos. It feels like a pretty fundamental rejction and i'm really scared to trust them with those parts of myself again, so i just pretend i never grew up.
My psych mentioned about how much I seem to want/need approval from my parents still, and how that's common, and that to some extent I'm behaving to my parents like I'm still a little girl. Parents don't necessarily mean to do this to their kids, but it's a dilemma they're faced with -- their children grow up, they have to watch, and it's not the easiest thing to accept them on adult-to-adult terms. Thinking back about this, I would say that it has been a factor in my emotional issues, that I can't express myself to them, or that I find it so hard, because I fear rejection. It's been something pressing on me since I left home I think, though there have been better times or worse times I guess.
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